I've Got Tough Girls

Deb woke up about 2am this morning, angry. She had been feeling sadness over Biz's painful mask experience yesterday, but now she was mad because Biz, who is a stoic when it comes to pain, had been objecting all along that the mask was "uncomfortable" and no one had taken her words seriously. So this morning, after a few phone calls to other doctors and friends, Deb decided it was time to come to Biz's defense. I cannot do justice to the story, but suffice it to say that in the course of conversation Deb would not allow the doctor to use his preferred term, "discomfort," a word he tried to use at least 4 times to describe Biz's experience. Deb told him that comfort is not the issue at this point; Biz has bruises on her face and couldn't see clearly for ten minutes or more after they removed the mask. Deb assures me that she was very civil and self-controlled, but the doctor now knows that she will not be satisfied until she is satisfied that things are being done properly. She assured the doctor that Biz will endure whatever she must if he tells her she must; so because of the trust Biz is extending to him, he had better be sure that what she endures is only what is necessary and appropriate.
While I don't know anyone sweeter, I also know that my wife has no problem standing on principle and continuing to stand until the appropriate changes have been made (I guess that's why our kids are so well behaved...). But by her assessment, Deb has never had to exercise such insistence and resolve as she did today. Please pray for her strength. We want what's best for Biz--that's why we're separated by a couple months and couple thousand miles. Pray that she will advocate well for Biz even though she must do so alone. Pray that she won't be warn down if the Lord wants her to be a rock, nor that she'll become an irritant if unwarranted (this was her specific request). Pray that only appropriate changes would be made and that, if necessary, the doctor would recognize the need to start from scratch with a new mask and a new computer model. Today they plan to try a shim but, since precision is our reason for being at M.D. Anderson, "good enough" is not good enough as far as we are concerned.
We prayed together at the end of our phone call, and the Lord brought us peace--and a game plan--but often the game plan is just my own and the Lord already has it all worked out. I trust that a better report will come this evening. This may all be just a part of the Lord's answer to our prayers for Biz's protection.

A New Superhero?

Cycle one has ended and true to form (and by God's grace) Biz made it through with flying colors--this too, as so often in Biz's life, by overcoming extra adversity. Deb's post-treatment phone call brought the news, beginning with her declaration, "Once again, Biz is my new hero!" and not just because she has the mask. It turns out that her mask was too tight! After her treatment, the pressure from the mask against Biz's face had bruised her lower lip and made her unable to see clearly for ten minutes or so. The technician took one look at the waffle print all over Biz's face and said, "We need to make you a new mask." So thanks for praying. Not only did the Lord give her strength and peace, he brought the hope of a better day tomorrow--literally. Nothing is too small (or great) for the Lord?

Today is the (next) big day

Many days in the course of Biz's treatment have been "big" days, and this day is no exception. Today is the first of Biz's radiation treatments.
In all she has 28 individual "cycles," as they call them, which means 28 days of radiation treatments--5 days a week, minus a couple days for Christmas and New Year's Day. If all goes according to schedule, which I surmise is not assured, Biz's last treatment will be on January 30th. Conversations with doctors in the next few days will help us determine how close to that date we should schedule Deb and Biz's return flight.
Deb will be making the daily trek to M.D. Anderson during rush hour traffic because Biz's treatment time is 5:00pm each day. The appointment time is actually a blessing, from our perspective, as it allows Biz time each day to do her school work, plus a relatively free block of the day for Deb and Biz should they need or want to do other things. But please pray for safe and timely travel each day on the madness that Houston calls a highway.
Pray today for peace as Biz did not much appreciate having her head clamped down to the treatment bed when they made her mask. It's imperative that she remain calm and still for the duration of the cycle, and if she has any claustrophobic feelings that will make it more difficult.
"Lord Jesus, thank You for being with Elizabeth everyday--including this day. I pray that today, from the riches of Your grace, you would strengthen Biz by Your Spirit to accomplish the task before her. Please give her a sense of Your presence with her in the treatment room. I pray that You would keep her heart at rest even as You protect the healthy tissues and organs of her body during her radiation treatments. May this all work together for her good, her healing, and the honor of Your name. Amen."

Joyful suffering

One of the minor sufferings that life calls some of us to endure: my kids haven't seen their mom for eleven days and won't for another dozen. This makes life a little rough around the edges that are normally smoothed by her, and makes the table feel emptier than just one person's absence. They also miss their sister. Each of the kids brings a different personality to the family and its hard to adjust when one part is missing.
Nevertheless, I'm enjoying the concentrated time with the other three. I get to home school the boys on some days (with help from friends on other days), and review homework with Lydia in the evenings and on weekends. We're also spending available evenings together watching the memorable Christmas movies, A Christmas Story being my personal favorite. We're being supplied with excellent meals from friends and neighbors so, all things considered, the suffering is minimized.
Telephone reports from Houston have been positive. Biz has spent the last two days (except for morning appointments) working for Charlsie Pogue at her office. If any of you have had Biz working for you, you know that she excels as a helper--very conscientious and proactive. The opportunity (and the money she's making) has been a boost. It's been many days since she passed the "tired of appointments" threshold, so now she just accepts them. I once asked a young Israeli if he was taking English classes because his school required it, or because he wanted to. He said, "Oh no, I want to. If I didn't, they'd make me." Preference has no bearing upon the subject at this point.
Deb and Biz attended a little church in Houston on Sunday, Christ Evangelical Presbyterian Church, only about 500 people. Compared to some of the mega-churches available in the area (even some good ones) it was an intimate setting. I was able to listen to the sermons on the internet and think the pastor does a great job (biblically-centered and doctrinally-faithful, and interesting to boot). Some people in the congregation reached out to the girls and plan to have them over to make Christmas cookies. It seems that CEPC may be a good respite for the extended stay.
I'm continually asked--and I do not mind at all--if there is anything people can do to help. Aside from being terrible at delegation (and asking), I really can't think of any physical need we have. Only prayer. Thanks to the generosity of MANY, and especially to the Lord who worked in each one's heart, I have even been able to write checks as the hospital bills come due. This was one of my early prayer requests, and the Lord has provided.
Treatment begins on Monday.
Counting down the days until we're together.
Considering each trial pure joy because we see our Savior in it.

Infinite Love

Yesterday I had a revelation...God's love is infinite. You'd think that, as a pastor, I'd already have known this, but in my case it has taken tapping His reservoir of supply to recognize this. I, of course, understood it theoretically and theologically, but my theory and theology had not been tested to the point that it also became practical. The obstacle has not been the Lord's abundant supply. Those of you who have followed our journey have seen His loving response to our needs. The real obstacle has been my reluctance to accept it.
Last night during our church prayer meeting I was listening to someone pray for my daughter and I sensed that I was becoming hesitant to ask God for some things. It was as if I was afraid of reaching the limits of grace available to me, as if to say, "Boy, God sure has done a lot for us so far. I shouldn't impose upon Him any more than absolutely necessary." What a crock! I never deserved any measure of grace! It has all come as an expression of love.
Within my heart there are always remnants of an old way of life--the way of life that wants to obligate God. I had been tempted to consider God's grace just an appropriate response obligated by the severity of our need. We've all seen people respond in this way--the more severe the need, the greater the sense of obligation to meet it. Picture an infomercial about starving children in Africa and you'll understand what I mean. When you watch it you're not really compelled by love for them, but by the severity of their need and the level of guilt you may experience at your failure to help. And when you've "done your part," the obligation has been met. This is the sense of obligation that I had been inferring upon the Lord's abundant goodness. We were the starving Africans and he was the wealthy American obligated to respond to the need. And it was getting to the point where He'd done his part.
So there, in the midst of prayer, the Lord impressed upon my heart to continue seeking Him in all things and at all times, because the reservoir is limitless. He never was obligated. He only acts toward us out of His love for us. Every bit of mercy that He shows us is an expression of limitless love. The Lord gives and gives and provokes us to seek more. He does not become burdened by our constant asking, but delights in opportunities to prove that His love is without end and the riches of His grace are free flowing and liberal.
The simple fact is that we can't impose upon the Lord or obligate Him. We can, in our pride, lower our expectations of the Lord, but He will reveal His love anyway. So...pray with me and don't slacken in your requests because our need will never exceed infinite love.
A brief update: I left Debbie and Biz in Houston on Saturday to come be with the Lydia, Connor, and Sam. Deb will have to help Biz (with the Lord's enabling) through her first and early treatments on her own. Then we (me and the other kids) will travel to Houston on Christmas Day to be with them for a week and then Deb and I will swap duties. It's hard being apart, but it is for the good.

Oh...did I forget to mention...

Biz's PET Scan came back negative. That means there was no evidence of her cancer having spread to her lymph nodes (or anywhere else, for that matter). It also means that radiation will not have to be directed to anywhere beyond Biz's sinuses. Thank you, Lord Jesus.

Big place

University of Texas Medical complex, and the MD Anderson Cancer Center, is a city by comparison with the University of Washington and Children's Hospital. We park at one building, sometimes take shuttle buses to other buildings, and even take 8 passenger golf cart shuttles to different parts of buildings. This gives the feeling of being on the very cutting edge of cancer research and treatment. People we spoke with beforehand said this was the finest cancer center in the world, which I did not believe could be better than the UW, but if it isn't, it must be the largest. This is not always a positive fact because it loses its personal touch--whereas at Children's Hospital a CT Scan was an individual event, here Biz was called into a group of about 7 women (all but her in their later 40's and up), led together to a dressing room, and then led together to the diagnostic imaging center. Looking at the women's faces, it all had a vague Auschwitz feel to it. Nevertheless, they were all getting excellent care.
Today Biz is having a PET Scan. It still remains for next week to take a field of vision test, an audiology test, and one or two more physician consultations. These have become routine for us, far different from our initial experiences when all was new. But please continue to pray for the doctors to see what they need to see and to have thoughts about treatment that are guided by the Lord. Please also pray for Biz's "human interaction." She's been spending a lot of time with adults lately and has only two little dogs for playmates. She could use a friend her age.

The conclusion of the story…

A blown alternator, and a chance to spend some time with Umesh, Nayana, and Arjun, who saw our car being prepared for towing so they offered us a ride home. Remember to pray for them. Every circumstance of our lives is orchestrated by the Lord.

Please pray about this, also: during our pre-treatment appointments we’ve been told that nausea will accompany the radiation, which becomes progressively more intense. However, in talking with people undergoing treatment there is a high percentage that experiences no nausea at all. Please pray that Biz would have no illness or loss of appetite during her treatment.

A day without appointments or test, for which Biz gave thanks when we prayed at breakfast...

The Exploder

The Pogues have an extra vehicle that they have graciously allowed us to use, a Ford Explorer that Charlsie has affectionately dubbed, "The Exploder." This morning Biz and I took the Exploder to a 9:00am appointment, braving Houston's Rush Hour traffic. We were listening to a message by R.C. Sproul when, suddenly, the volume grew louder and louder until...silence. On the dash, the anti-lock brake light came on, which began to concern me but as none of this seemed to affect the operation of the vehicle I just assumed that the radio blew out and that the light was always on, I had just failed to notice. Shortly after that, Biz pointed out that the tachometer read 0-rpms. Next the clock and compass began blinking, faster and faster, until they too disappeared from the screen. By this point, the car was running roughly and the speedometer had also stopped working, but as we were by now just two intersections from the hospital we prayed, "Lord, please just help us get to the hospital." As we were pulling into the parking lot Biz said, "Wouldn't it be funny if it stopped working right here..." which is exactly what happened. When we had pulled into our parking space it stopped running. I hadn't even put my foot on the brake to stop the car when the Exploder said "I'm done." I turned the key...no response.
This is a story in process. Biz and I are now sitting in the waiting room contemplating whether to get a taxi home. I don't have the Pogue's phone number with me, so...
At least we're on time for our appointment, and the vehicle is not sitting in the middle of a city street.

Another waiting room, another post

At this point, Biz's treatment schedule begins on the 17th. I had hoped to avoid a gap between travel and treatment but I was unsuccessful in my efforts. The upside is that they are planning for fewer sessions than we had been told at first (28 instead of 38) so her last treatment will be on January 30th. A tradition of sorts has grown up at the treatment center: families throw a party to celebrate the last day of treatment. With all these Texans around, I think I'll start planning for just the right Northwest Washington fare--salmon, crab, blackberries...maybe tofu and soy milk. With all the beef and fried food around here, they might appreciate the change of pace.
Speaking of change of pace: we are about 30 minutes away from the hospital and the highway that we travel (I-10) is in the process of being expanded to 20 lanes (10 lanes each direction)!! I guess that's what Texans mean when they talk about growth management. For those of you from San Juan Island: you've got to try this! But only once. For those of you not from San Juan Island: may God give you grace. For those of you from Houston, TX: the road hazard in the middle of the highway--that's me. Sorry.

Blog on the run

I have to blog on the run. Our host’s modem was just fried in an electrical storm, so I guess I’ll give updates from wireless-enabled waiting rooms. Most of what follows was written last night:

We arrived at our Houston “headquarters” at about 1:00am on Monday morning: the home of John and Charlsie Pogue. The Pogues are new friends to us, but old friends of old friends. They have a beautiful home in the Bunker Hills Village section of Houston, with an upper level that is perfectly suited for an extended stay, sort of like a separate guest quarters. Our trip has been a bit like traveling with a VIP…everywhere we go arrangements and greetings are extended to let Biz know she’s loved. It began with a friend arranging with the Border Patrol (we were on the sailing from Sydney, BC) to get us off the ferry first and through customs with no delay so that we could catch our flight. We boarded the plane for Houston as first class passengers—a complimentary upgrade. The Pogues prepared Biz’s room with a “horse” theme (stuffed animals, a huge book about horses, and a copy of the movie Flicka), her own little Christmas tree, and an Advent calendar (more like a doll house) with treats behind each door. When we arrived at the MD Anderson Cancer Center, Evette (our contact there) was waiting at the door for us and when she saw Biz she let out an expressive, “Ooooh, girl, you are just gorgeous!” That makes three times she’s been told that since we’ve arrived.
Yesterday (Monday the 3^rd) we met with Dr. Kornguth, the radiation oncologist, and had the treatment and risks explained once again. Happily, his assessment was more optimistic than the one we heard in Seattle, and so far his approach is more conservative.

The second most difficult thing about the day was the “simulation,” during which they prepared a mask to hold Biz’s head still throughout the treatments. Picture the black material that attaches itself to Spiderman in Spiderman 3 and you’ll get the picture—except that it hardens in place and clamps down to a bed. Along with that they put a cork in your mouth taped to a tongue depressor so that you can hardly breath out of your mouth—and of course the mask plus recent surgeries hindered breathing out of her nose—and you can understand the feeling of claustrophobia and suffocation. Please pray for her peace and comfort each day of radiation, a matter of less pain than mental distress. Biz finally got through that, so we're on our way to another series of tests. On Friday they will do a PET scan to assess the lymph nodes in neck. Dr. Kornguth would like to refrain from radiating them if there is no evidence of infection.

The most difficult thing about the day was hearing the story of Arjun Vaghela, a little boy from Seattle at MD Anderson whose parents, Nayana and Umesh, we met in the waiting area. Arjun is 6 and has a similar cancer. The greatest difference in our stories is that they do not know Christ, and so they do not have the hope we have. I told them that I was writing this blog for all our friends who are praying for us and that you would pray for them too. Ask the Lord to reveal Himself to them through this. They'll be here through Christmas, so we told them we'd have them for over Christmas.

We're dreaming of a warm Christmas...

Yesterday I awoke around 4:45am with a load of anxiety on my mind. I felt that the delay between surgery and radiation was going to be too long, I didn't know where we were to go, I didn't know where we would stay when we got there or how we'd get around, and the price of rentals for such an extended period was shocking! Philippians 4:6-7 came to mind, which says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." So I prayed for Biz's health, and every detail of this venture...and I was still anxious. So I prayed about it again...and again...and I was still anxious. So I prayed about that Scripture saying, "Lord, you said that if I came to you about these concerns you'd give me peace beyond understanding, and I'm not feeling very peaceful." Hearing no voice and feeling no change, I got up.
I left for work with a plan. I was going get online and email churches in Boston and in Houston, explaining our situation and waiting to see what the Lord brought about. When I sat down at my desk I opened my computer and before I could do anything further, the phone rang. It was from a couple in Houston (the Pogues), friends of a friend, who just wanted to let us know that they have two extra bedrooms upstairs, with a private bath and living room, and they would like to offer them for our use...more than that, they also have an extra car for us to use...more than that, he was able to get us airfare with Continental Airlines...
This morning, at 5:45am, the phone rang. It was MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. They want to see Elizabeth on Monday.

Today I realized that Philippians 4:6-7 never stipulates how or when the Lord would bring his peace, but I want you to know that my anxiety is gone. The Lord is so faithful, and will answer every prayer...at just the time we need.

Please pray for our travel plans. Lord willing, Deb and I plan to "tag team" this trip...she'll stay with Biz for a couple of weeks, then I will, then she will. We plan to take the whole family down for Christmas. I think I'll bring some shorts, just for fun. Pray also for Biz. In many ways, this is the most dangerous part of her cancer treatment, with risks of short-term, long-term, and lifelong side-effects should radiation damage certain tissues (like her retina, optic nerve, tear ducts, and/or pituitary gland). Pray for God's protection of these important body parts, and the destruction of any remaining cancer cells. Pray also that he would both sustain and strengthen our family. It's a long time to be apart, and the kids will likely have to eat my cooking. Most of all, help me fulfill one stipulation from Philippians 4, "with thanksgiving." The Lord continues to bless us and answer our prayers more abundantly than we could ask or imagine.

Father, can you carry this?

Some questions were answered today and others were thrown back to us. This, of course, means that we must throw them back upon the Lord, who knows everything, even the end from the beginning.
According to Dr. Douglas, though oncology doctors might have different opinions about the appropriate "modality" (type) of radiation, all would agree that radiotherapy is necessary in Biz's case. Esthesioneuroblastoma has a very high rate of recurrence, even after what they call a "gross total resection" (i.e. complete surgical removal) of the tumor, such as Biz had. Microscopic disease cells often remain and become the source of a second tumor. Dr. Douglas doesn't recommend risking the potential aggressiveness of this cancer. Recurrence is almost always more severe and the statistics for success diminish accordingly. If Biz was his daughter, she'd undergo radiotherapy without question.
As to where and what type...there are essentially two primary options: photon beam and proton beam. The first, photon, is what we might call the "traditional" type. The second, proton, is a less-than-perfect, though much improved type of radiation that has less effect on surrounding tissue. This is the "hot ticket item" but is available primarily in Boston, MA and Houston, TX (there are 3 other centers in the US, but they are lacking in experience with either Biz's type of cancer or with pediatric cases). Dr. Douglas agrees that proton is the best approach technically, but suggests that because of Biz's age and some improvements in the photon application, the benefits of proton could be modest and must be weighed against the difficulty and family disruption associated with an 8 week trek across the country.
I won't bore you with statistics or percentages as I am reminded from the book of Isaiah that Yahweh is not bound by prognoses--He creates them. But I will ask you to pray for wisdom, for issues of insurance coverage, for questions about travel and living arrangements, and for the Lord's protection of Biz's affected healthy tissues--primarily her eye and her pituitary gland (from where such things as growth hormone come). Pray for us especially tomorrow (Tues.) as I will be making important phone calls and we will be making a decision--time is of the essence.
Pray also for contacts in either Boston or Houston where we can set up a "home base," maybe someone with an available couple of beds and a heart for hospitality. I will probably call some churches in those areas.
I know all this treatment and risk talk must have Biz concerned, but you'd never know it. It is the grace of God that allows a child to entrust overly heavy burdens to his/her parents and know that they will do what is best for him/her. At the moment I feel a bit overwhelmed, like one of our kids when they try to carry a suitcase that's too heavy for them, struggling along until they call out, "Hey Pop, can you carry this for me?" Deb and I trust that our Father will do for us what we would do for our own children. "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Dare we even ask?

In our conversation with Dr. Perkins this week, he mentioned that when the tumor board met about Biz's treatment, there was some discussion about whether she even needed radiation at all. If this is true, it would be an amazing answer to prayer. In fact, it would be an answer to prayers I had not even prayed, as I never imagined this could be possible. Please pray about this as the Lord leads. Medical studies have shown a much lower rate of recurrence when surgery and radiation are used together than when just one or the other is used. We don't want to do less than the best, but we also don't want to do more than is necessary because there can be harmful side-effects to radiation.
We know that the Lord "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." We meet with Dr. Douglas, the radiation oncologist, on Monday the 19th and are seeking the Lord's guidance.

Another chapter

Although we've been dealing with cancer, today marked Biz's first actual set of appointments in the oncology department. For me, this gave the waiting room a very different feel because you knew that every child there was in a "life or death" medical struggle. Otolarangology, where we've spent most of our time until now, addresses all types of ear, nose, and throat problems, and not all of them serious; ICU was intense, but moving toward recovery; oncology, on the other hand, was quiet, and patient, and deep. I didn't know whether to smile or cry when a boy around 8 or 9 entered the waiting room, all of his hair gone because of chemotherapy, followed by his dad, who had shaved his own head in love and support. Then there was the tenderness of a healthy 13 year old boy holding his ill 11 year old sister's hand because he loved her and she was stronger for it. This is a sobering place, but somehow full of God's mercy.
We spent from about 10am to 5:30pm at the hospital, covering several appointments and a couple of medical tests/CT scans. The most difficult part of the day was a minor procedure that Dr. Perkins performed. He was going to schedule it as a surgical procedure on another day since Biz still had some discomfort in the area. Biz said, "I'd rather do it now. I don't want to come off island again." So, despite the pain, she sat rock-still while he did what he needed to do, without anesthesia. That allowed for an immediate CT scan, and other appointments, and it will also facilitate quicker healing.
We were still unable to meet with Dr. Douglas, the radiation oncologist, which we had very much wanted to do, but we must leave that to the Lord's timing. We are scheduled for that appointment one week from today. Other conversations have encouraged us that we will get the best, unbiased opinion from him, as well as his "clout" behind our care. He is apparently very well known nationally.
Please be in prayer about the decisions and plans we must make. Also give thanks to the Lord for the amazing recovery Biz has made so far. The swelling continues to diminish, and her spirits are up. Having been assured that she would have at least temporary double vision, the Lord has shown that He is not subject to prognosis. Biz was disappointed today by the assurance that radiation makes people feel ill. Pray that such would not be her experience.

Pressing On

Our next round of appointments begins on Monday, November 12. It is this process which will help us to determine the best care and treatment possible. Please pray for wisdom, for the doctors to have thoughts and opinions from Christ Himself, thoughts that might never have occurred to them otherwise. Pray for Elizabeth's spirit. She is so joyful now that I do not want anything to dampen her outlook, and I want everything to direct her thoughts to the love and goodness of Christ. I am praying for all of you, that her (and our) experience would make you more dependent upon Christ, joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Press on with us.
One thought as you pray. This comes from The Power of Prayer in a Believer's Life, by Charles Spurgeon. "The throne to which we are called to come is the throne of grace. It is set up on purpose for the dispensation of grace and from which every utterance is an utterance of grace...If in prayer I come before a throne of grace, the faults of my prayer will be overlooked...How this should encourage any of us who feel ourselves to be feeble, wandering, and unskillful in prayer."

Home Sweet Home

We're at home.
Biz has been remarkably light-hearted and unconcerned about her swollen face--I think I've witnessed about 5 years of maturing in just under a month. When asked if she'd be ready for church tomorrow, she just said, "Yeah, I think I'll feel good enough." She has had a bright smile on her face all day.
It was a delight to rejoin the rest of the family. We did all the normal stuff--play PlayStation, eat dinner, have devotions together, and give thanks to the Lord for friends and family whose love has made these days the maturing, encouraging, hope-giving, focusing, deepening days they have been. Not that our prayers may slacken; there's still much to do, but also much evidence of the love of God upon which we can hold. I feel sorry for Job, who did not have such a benefit in trials. Yet in the end he had one great confession: "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."
I thank God for my family and our home. I thank God for growing my children, and especially Biz, in their trust in Him.
I could (and will) say more, but right now everyone is in their own beds, and we have a great God to worship tomorrow. Time to sleep.

Grace Administered

Deb has finally let me pull the overnight shift. The rooms at Children's Hospital each have a fold out couch that will accommodate one parent, and since Biz can now handle restroom and other such functions on her own, Deb can break away for a sorely-needed, uninterrupted night of sleep. We've had a "home base" at the Silverstein's for much of this process, just 10 minutes from the hospital, and it's a very comfortable place for all of us (in every sense of the term). More importantly, Biz is sleeping. We've moved out of ICU into the surgery recovery area where, instead of waking you up every 2 hours, they stretch it out to every 4 hours. If she gets a good night of sleep and is strong enough to walk around tomorrow (Biz was the first patient her nurse had ever had walk out of ICU, but it was tiring) we'll be coming home. I don't even care which ferry we catch.
A couple of lighthearted moments enriched the day. The first...a friend of hers from Mt. Vernon went trick-or-treating for Biz and brought the candy to the hospital. Among the goodies was a gummy eyeball (actually about 10 or 15 of them--must have been this year's hot item). So Deb took one out to the doctor who was in charge of the ICU and said, "This fell out, should I just put it back in?" Biz thought that was hilarious and it produced the first rolling laughter I've heard from her for some time.
The second comic relief...The nurse brought in a capsule of antibiotic--the type with a plastic-like shell that dissolves in your stomach, like Contact. Biz had never seen one of these before, so she took the top off and some of the powder spilled on to her thumb and finger. Not wanting to short-change Biz on the dosage, Deb said, "Don't worry about it; just lick it off." What neither of them expected was that the medicine tasted SO BAD that it triggered her gag reflex and Biz almost threw up on the spot. She rinsed her mouth repeatedly, tried bread and other food, anything to remove the taste that continued to agitate the gag reflex, and it just wouldn't go away. In the meantime Deb had put the capsule back together and handed it to Biz, telling her she needed to take the rest. Only after a few moments of parent-child tension did we all realize that Biz thought Deb was telling her to take the top back off and swallow the powder down, which Biz was certain would just not work. We all rolled with laughter when we finally got it figured out.
I consider both of these events administrations of God's grace. When some humor is needed, God can create some very comic moments. When God's children endure hardships, God's grace enables them to persevere. Sometimes his grace grants physical deliverance from cancer, other times the deliverance is far greater. Always it gives strength in the battle--if we will rely upon him. I think I have begun to understand what Paul meant when he wrote that we should not "grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." There is a choice involved in this and either God's children will or God's children won't. The strength doesn't come from trusting in doctors, or in diets--though the Lord often uses these in the healing process. It does not come by confessing happy words or trusting in our faith. It comes from knowing our God, who has all power and wisdom and love, and entrusting ourselves to him because we know that whatever the outcome it will be the most loving and wise, because he can make it turn out any way he chooses. Sometimes our world is way too big and our God is way too small. We never imagine that God's grace will provide the strength we need before we begin the fight, but our testimony is that, in answer to many prayers, the peace of God has guarded our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. His word is true. Sometimes God's grace provides rest and comfort in strange places. Sometimes it supplies our needs through the generosity of others. Always it transforms us. Always it is sufficient for the need at hand.

Midday Friday

12:30pm on Friday and we're still in ICU, but only because they couldn't get us a bed on the regular patient care floor. Her eye is still swollen shut, but the swelling has gone down considerably. Biz has had a tiredness headache this morning because she's not getting good nights of sleep--not only are they constantly poking and prodding and shining lights and giving medicine when you're in ICU, but they also make her sleep at an incline to help reduce pressure and swelling. Kind of like sleeping in the Lazy Boy (or the pew at church) which some of us do quite well... The change to a different unit will be welcome--maybe she'll be able to get a good night of sleep. Not that I'm complaining, mind you...the care they have been giving her is amazing. The doctors and nurses are all energetic, professional, and considerate. The love what they do, and they do it well.
Here's some of the ways the Lord has answered our prayers so far...
Yesterday, Dr. Moe came in (followed by Dr. Larry and Dr. Curly--just kidding, but I knew you'd be thinking it too)...anyway, Deb and I have been constantly thanking the doctors for their effort and excellence, and Deb told Dr. Moe that she thought he did an amazing job. He responded, "it went better than we could have imagined." We had been praying for the doctors, as you all have been--we prayed for their strength and performance during the surgery, and when they came out to discuss the surgery with us we prayed with them, giving thanks to our trustworthy God for what he had enabled them to accomplish. But when even the doctor is impressed with how well the surgery went all praise goes to the Lord.
During his check-up yesterday, Dr. Perkins, the pediatric E.N.T., said he has never heard of someone coming out of this type of surgery without double-vision for at least the first few weeks (often longer). When he asked Biz how many fingers he was holding up, she said "one." In answer to your prayers, the Lord has kept Biz from having double vision.
We reached one small milestone: Biz took a shower last night. It wore her out, but she did it. We also pushed her around the hospital this morning in her wheel chair and hope to go for a walk after lunch. (Update: we played Gin Rummy instead and she beat me like a drum).
Things still ahead for prayer:
We are begining to discuss radiation therapy to kill the cancer cells that remain. Technically, Biz has had the tumor removed, but she still has cancer and, left untreated, it will recur. Options for what is best may take us as far away as Boston or Houston. Traditional radiation causes harsh side effects to any sensitive, healthy tissues through which it passes. This could result, in Biz's case, in eye problems like cataracts or even blindness, and cessation of growth on that side of her face. New technologies have been developed at places like Harvard Medical School that may help significantly. Pray for wisdom as we speak with the UW specialist.

REMARKABLE

It is Thursday, almost 1:oo p.m. and Biz is once again sleeping. She is still in ICU, but only for monitoring and with prospects of moving to a regular room soon:) When the doctors came in this morning and saw her charts from the night, they were completely amazed. Their exact word was "remarkable". She went through the night with only Tylenol as a pain reliever, no anti-nausea medications, and the ability to track with her left eye. It is very painful for her to open her left eye, and it is quite swollen, but she really has been remarkable in her efforts to do whatever the doctors ask her to do, even when it hurts. We are so grateful to all of you that are so diligently praying for her, we can definitely see God working and giving her grace beyond measure. Keep praying for us, we are extremely tired, and have not gotten very good sleep here at the hospital. Thank you, Debbie (Psalm 119:92)